From a forum post on Feb 9, 2008.
We know that there is most likely an area of the brain responsible for the sensation (perception) of gender identity. However we haven't figured out yet where it is located or how it is encoded (or even more specifically, where we can poke at it in a monkey and generalize it to we humans).
But because I DO believe it is there, I think that our GID is much more likely the result of a malfunctioning "gender identity brain center" than a malformed body. This would make it a mental birth defect - same as schizophrenia or countless others. Of course, just because it exists biologically doesn't mean that is how it is triggered. If it had a biological base and an environmental trigger (again like schizophrenia) that could explain the "late-comers" you might say.
Regardless if it is a problem in the mind or a problem in the body right now there isn't a whole heck of a lot you can do about it. Learn to live with the discomfort or transition (or something in between). If I am correct, perhaps once we have traumatized enough chimps and rhesus monkeys we will discover where we gain our concept of gender identity and will be able to have it modified.
The next question is though, who would want that modification? I think for some being "transgendered" has become so central to their identity (what with all the time being so focused on it) that it might be hard to let go - like they had all that pain for nothing.
Wednesday, March 11, 2009
Wednesday, March 4, 2009
Spiritual Points from a Fast
During my most recent fast undertaken for the sake of our brothers and sisters who struggle with GID, my stake, as well as the rest in Texas, Oklahoma, and New Mexico had a stake conference consisting of a Sunday broadcast from church general authorities. Having been fasting, and considering the subject of the fasting, I was overly receptive to the Spirit and wanted to share a few points, in no particular order from the conference. I will divide these among multiple posts so that one thread does not become too bogged down with conversation and so I needn't write an exceedingly long post before getting everyone thinking.
1) Challenges provide us with defining moments. How will we allow challenges to define the remainder of our lives?
We as people with GID, have a very specific type of challenge, and certainly one that will test our mettle as members of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. With the little revealed doctrine, largely Spirit-directed local brethren making decisions concerning us, and the only known "cure" being largely misunderstood and perhaps even detrimental to some of us, it can certainly seem like a real walk of faith. I myself have had these defining moments. After having transitioned successfully for nearly 2 years and after a lifetime of longing, the Lord gave me an opportunity, through a meeting with one of these bewildered church local authorities, to either follow His counsel given through this bishop, or to show that I will walk in my own paths. I chose the former, and so made a choice that would define my faith as well as the direction I would take the rest of my life. I've been called strong before, but I do not know if it is as much strength as much as it is practice. I had practiced, previous to that time, for years, dedicatedly following the Lord and the counsel of the brethren. In fact, I only left the church when I felt there was no personal revelation opposing it. So, once I again received personal revelation, I was still in practice of doing as the Lord commanded me. That doesn't mean it was easy, but I had prepared myself before having to make such a difficult choice of consistently choosing the Lord, which made the decision to follow Him once again far more appealing.
2) Job did not turn against God. Despite our afflictions we must not "curse God and die."
"You are not yet as Job." This trite phrase tends to offer little in the way of comfort to me personally, though I do understand the point. We can only understand suffering to the capacity to which we have suffered with only limited glimpses of suffering beyond our experiences. However we can still place ourselves in the place of Job in his story, believing our temptations and sufferings to be beyond that of others, perhaps even the worst they can be. Being able to do this should allow us to look at what Job did. Despite his afflictions and counsel from his family and friends, Job decided he would not curse God, or as I like to see it, blame God maliciously. So even if we are as Job, shouldn't we realize that by following his example, we too will receive more than we can imagine if we will remain faithful to the Lord. I know for many of us, the pressures seem overwhelming to "curse God and die" and in fact many of those in our situation have. The wonder of it is, would have it not been better, regardless of what decision you make concerning how you deal with your condition, to keep the Lord in your life? At least then you retain the potential companionship of the Holy Ghost to direct you on your paths.
3) Peace only comes to us when we can see the complete plan of God. We should focus more on spiritual things than temporal things.
Truly this is an important point for us as individuals we GID we tend to be overly focused on temporal things. Our GID disrupts daily normal living and can cause us consistent pain. We know however, at least intellectually that focusing on hope, on our Savior, serving others, and the Gospel plan will help to act as a buffer against those specific pains we feel, we still have a great tendency to ignore them in favor of a way to stop the pain here and now. While temporal things are very important, they are not the only important thing, and as we spend more and more time focused on the temporal things of the world and less on the spiritual things, we will become weakened to fight against our ailments and come more and more to rely on the 'arm of the flesh' - a state that we should seek to avoid if we will ever truly be able to combat our condition. What does it mean to focus on spiritual things? Keeping up with those spiritual activities the prophets have encouraged us to do for years and years - prayer, regular church attendance, paying tithing, fasting, attending the temple and fulfilling the three fold mission of the church, and very importantly, service! Devoting time to these things will certainly give us an opportunity to be more open to the spirit of the Lord and show Him our devotion to allowing Him to help us carry our burdens so we needn't rely upon only ourselves - a path that will assuredly fail.
4) We must not worship idols.
To those who have been a part of the TS community at large can see the idol worship so common among us with GID. We worship at the altar of transsexualism before the great idol of our other-sexed image - a version of self worship. This transsexual religion has a hell, and it is staying our birth sex with the dysphoria that brings, so we turn our eyes and our hearts to the almighty image of ourselves as the other sex, and sacrifice much to its name. Now I am not saying that transition is wrong or couldn't be a needed correction for some, but I am saying that we must not become overly focused on self worship. We must keep our perspective as Latter-day saints. Remember who the true giver of peace is - not the surgeon, but our Savior - not the hormones, but the Atonement. These things bring true happiness in this world and in the next. Regardless of what actions we take to relieve our symptoms of GID, we must keep our perspective on the Savior and the Gospel plan so that we can be assured we are drawing our strength from a source that will not fail us.
More points to come.
1) Challenges provide us with defining moments. How will we allow challenges to define the remainder of our lives?
We as people with GID, have a very specific type of challenge, and certainly one that will test our mettle as members of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. With the little revealed doctrine, largely Spirit-directed local brethren making decisions concerning us, and the only known "cure" being largely misunderstood and perhaps even detrimental to some of us, it can certainly seem like a real walk of faith. I myself have had these defining moments. After having transitioned successfully for nearly 2 years and after a lifetime of longing, the Lord gave me an opportunity, through a meeting with one of these bewildered church local authorities, to either follow His counsel given through this bishop, or to show that I will walk in my own paths. I chose the former, and so made a choice that would define my faith as well as the direction I would take the rest of my life. I've been called strong before, but I do not know if it is as much strength as much as it is practice. I had practiced, previous to that time, for years, dedicatedly following the Lord and the counsel of the brethren. In fact, I only left the church when I felt there was no personal revelation opposing it. So, once I again received personal revelation, I was still in practice of doing as the Lord commanded me. That doesn't mean it was easy, but I had prepared myself before having to make such a difficult choice of consistently choosing the Lord, which made the decision to follow Him once again far more appealing.
2) Job did not turn against God. Despite our afflictions we must not "curse God and die."
"You are not yet as Job." This trite phrase tends to offer little in the way of comfort to me personally, though I do understand the point. We can only understand suffering to the capacity to which we have suffered with only limited glimpses of suffering beyond our experiences. However we can still place ourselves in the place of Job in his story, believing our temptations and sufferings to be beyond that of others, perhaps even the worst they can be. Being able to do this should allow us to look at what Job did. Despite his afflictions and counsel from his family and friends, Job decided he would not curse God, or as I like to see it, blame God maliciously. So even if we are as Job, shouldn't we realize that by following his example, we too will receive more than we can imagine if we will remain faithful to the Lord. I know for many of us, the pressures seem overwhelming to "curse God and die" and in fact many of those in our situation have. The wonder of it is, would have it not been better, regardless of what decision you make concerning how you deal with your condition, to keep the Lord in your life? At least then you retain the potential companionship of the Holy Ghost to direct you on your paths.
3) Peace only comes to us when we can see the complete plan of God. We should focus more on spiritual things than temporal things.
Truly this is an important point for us as individuals we GID we tend to be overly focused on temporal things. Our GID disrupts daily normal living and can cause us consistent pain. We know however, at least intellectually that focusing on hope, on our Savior, serving others, and the Gospel plan will help to act as a buffer against those specific pains we feel, we still have a great tendency to ignore them in favor of a way to stop the pain here and now. While temporal things are very important, they are not the only important thing, and as we spend more and more time focused on the temporal things of the world and less on the spiritual things, we will become weakened to fight against our ailments and come more and more to rely on the 'arm of the flesh' - a state that we should seek to avoid if we will ever truly be able to combat our condition. What does it mean to focus on spiritual things? Keeping up with those spiritual activities the prophets have encouraged us to do for years and years - prayer, regular church attendance, paying tithing, fasting, attending the temple and fulfilling the three fold mission of the church, and very importantly, service! Devoting time to these things will certainly give us an opportunity to be more open to the spirit of the Lord and show Him our devotion to allowing Him to help us carry our burdens so we needn't rely upon only ourselves - a path that will assuredly fail.
4) We must not worship idols.
To those who have been a part of the TS community at large can see the idol worship so common among us with GID. We worship at the altar of transsexualism before the great idol of our other-sexed image - a version of self worship. This transsexual religion has a hell, and it is staying our birth sex with the dysphoria that brings, so we turn our eyes and our hearts to the almighty image of ourselves as the other sex, and sacrifice much to its name. Now I am not saying that transition is wrong or couldn't be a needed correction for some, but I am saying that we must not become overly focused on self worship. We must keep our perspective as Latter-day saints. Remember who the true giver of peace is - not the surgeon, but our Savior - not the hormones, but the Atonement. These things bring true happiness in this world and in the next. Regardless of what actions we take to relieve our symptoms of GID, we must keep our perspective on the Savior and the Gospel plan so that we can be assured we are drawing our strength from a source that will not fail us.
More points to come.
Acculturation
Acculturation - cultural modification of an individual, group, or
people by adapting to or borrowing traits from another culture ;
also : a merging of cultures as a result of prolonged contact
evidence for this in both my life and the lives of other
transsexuals. Perhaps if, from an early age, we were not so compelled
to adjust our cultures' from female to male, our GID would not grow to
the significance it does later in life after a lifetime of mal-
adaptive behaviors. Now this might not apply to all proclaimed
transsexuals because some of them claim that they have always been
women and refuse to accept any environmental influences or factors
that may have affected their GID. I on the other hand believe in a
very powerful cultural and environmental influence that leads to GID
over-expressing itself regardless of its potential biological roots.
This acculturation theory seems to lend support to my ideas.
people by adapting to or borrowing traits from another culture ;
also : a merging of cultures as a result of prolonged contact
I was studying about this concept today for my Abnormal Psychology
class. Essentially studies have shown that first generation Americans
from minority cultures such as Mexico that too strongly acculturate,
or in other words, adapt their native culture to that of the new
majority culture suffer from extremely higher rates of depression and
other mal-adaptive stress disorders.
Those individuals who maintain their original culture or become bi-
cultural (adapting to the new culture without losing their identity
with the original culture and its expectations), tend to be far better
adjusted living in the new culture.
Now consider this with me for a second.
Consider that being male and being female is like being in two
separate cultures. There is an identifiable male culture and specific
expectations as well as an identifiable female culture.
Say you are from one of these two cultures, but try to acculturate to
the other completely. Obviously, if the analogy holds, you would
potentially have an increased rate of depression and other mal-
adaptive stress disorders. Say however, that you do not give up your
original culture while living in the new culture. You have a far
better chance then to adjust to living healthily.
So to be blunt, those of us who are bio-males but identify as female
cultured, suffer from higher rates of depression when we attempt to
embrace male culture as we are expected to, but those who maintain
their original female culture while living as males, have a far better
chance to be healthy.
evidence for this in both my life and the lives of other
transsexuals. Perhaps if, from an early age, we were not so compelled
to adjust our cultures' from female to male, our GID would not grow to
the significance it does later in life after a lifetime of mal-
adaptive behaviors. Now this might not apply to all proclaimed
transsexuals because some of them claim that they have always been
women and refuse to accept any environmental influences or factors
that may have affected their GID. I on the other hand believe in a
very powerful cultural and environmental influence that leads to GID
over-expressing itself regardless of its potential biological roots.
This acculturation theory seems to lend support to my ideas.
Androgyny
The following was posted to a blog on 11-3-08:
This has been an increasingly revealing time in my life. Since the sudden and dramatic return of my cross gender feelings that prompted the creation of this journal, I've explored more deeply the roots behind my issues. Fortunately, I haven't had to do this totally alone, always having my loving and supportive wife by my side - a blessing I cannot be more thankful for.
A little background. When I lived as a female, I didn't do much to endorse my femininity, instead, I dressed very casually, rarely wore makeup, and normally just threw my hair up in a high ponytail or a clip. While this might have been one of the reasons I passed so well (I didn't go all super-feminine crazy as so many transsexuals do and so appeared much more natural), that wasn't my goal. I felt like being me and that didn't involve having to go to all that trouble. Honestly this is something that both confused and made my transsexual friends envious.
But that's not all really. As I've mentioned before in this journal, I didn't feel right when I passed 100%. When I was totally accepted as a female (the pinnacle of any MTF (male to female) transsexual's dream) I found it difficult to deal with it. I felt like I was being deceitful and lying all over again. It seemed that if living on the male end of the gender pendulum caused me discomfort feeling like I wasn't truly expressing the whole of myself, I started to get the inkling that swinging all the way over to the other side of the pendulum might cause the same problem.
To alleviate these feelings of disingenuous perception, I found myself actually telling people who were totally convinced I was a girl, that I wasn't always so. In a way, it made me feel a lot better - much in the same way as when I came out to others when I was male that I didn't feel like one. This of course is not commonplace behavior for a transsexual. I'm not saying that no transsexual does this, but based ony my experiences with those that I knew, they thought I was half crazy. I mean, I can see their point as for one thing; what I was doing was dangerous. Some transsexuals have to live with the fact they will never totally pass and deal with all the social stigmas and danger that come with that, so for someone who passed to actually expose themselves was something of a taboo.
The more prudent might ask me, sure you want these things, but what about your career? Won't this adversely affect it? I figure it would, but then again, work could be like an 8 hour acting job I go to, a place I pretend to be what I need to be to get ahead, but once I get off work, the hair will come down, the stiff clothes will come off, and the masculine facade shed. I figure I can deal with this so long as I don't take the actor home with me.
I dislike expectations based on gender which can make it tough being a member of a church with such specific gender roles. I would love to be able to attend and even hold a calling in Relief Society (the female specific area of the church) just as I would like to hold one in the Priesthood as I do now. Its not that I feel oppressed or anything, I mean the church has its rules, and I believe they are dictated by God, and if He wanted them different then so be it. It's not my job to change the church, and I would never deign to do so, its just annoying at times constantly being reminded of the distinction of my sex. I don't feel I really fit in very well with the guys, but I wonder if I wouldn't have the same problem were I tossed in with the women. I guess I'm just gender-screwed. ;)
So to put a point on this, I'm gonna throw up the proverbial middle finger at convention and be as androgynous as I choose to be. If I feel like being more male one day I will, but then if I feel differently the next day, so be it. I'm not intending to throw it in anyone's face, I just want to be real and express and be appreciated for all aspects of myself - aspects I feel are valid, genuine and hold in them no malice or guile.
This has been an increasingly revealing time in my life. Since the sudden and dramatic return of my cross gender feelings that prompted the creation of this journal, I've explored more deeply the roots behind my issues. Fortunately, I haven't had to do this totally alone, always having my loving and supportive wife by my side - a blessing I cannot be more thankful for.
A little background. When I lived as a female, I didn't do much to endorse my femininity, instead, I dressed very casually, rarely wore makeup, and normally just threw my hair up in a high ponytail or a clip. While this might have been one of the reasons I passed so well (I didn't go all super-feminine crazy as so many transsexuals do and so appeared much more natural), that wasn't my goal. I felt like being me and that didn't involve having to go to all that trouble. Honestly this is something that both confused and made my transsexual friends envious.
But that's not all really. As I've mentioned before in this journal, I didn't feel right when I passed 100%. When I was totally accepted as a female (the pinnacle of any MTF (male to female) transsexual's dream) I found it difficult to deal with it. I felt like I was being deceitful and lying all over again. It seemed that if living on the male end of the gender pendulum caused me discomfort feeling like I wasn't truly expressing the whole of myself, I started to get the inkling that swinging all the way over to the other side of the pendulum might cause the same problem.
To alleviate these feelings of disingenuous perception, I found myself actually telling people who were totally convinced I was a girl, that I wasn't always so. In a way, it made me feel a lot better - much in the same way as when I came out to others when I was male that I didn't feel like one. This of course is not commonplace behavior for a transsexual. I'm not saying that no transsexual does this, but based ony my experiences with those that I knew, they thought I was half crazy. I mean, I can see their point as for one thing; what I was doing was dangerous. Some transsexuals have to live with the fact they will never totally pass and deal with all the social stigmas and danger that come with that, so for someone who passed to actually expose themselves was something of a taboo.
This of course should have been a clue that maybe I wasn't as set on being 100% girl as I thought I was, but I was so caught up with the fact that I needed to adhere to a rigid two gender system it didn't allow for much wiggle room. I would either be a boy or a girl, and since being a boy wasn't working out, being a girl was the best choice, but I couldn't fight the fact that at times, I would wonder if I wasn't making the same mistake I made as a male (even if I couldn't explain why).
When I went back to living as a male (for strongly religious reasons coupled with the doubt I expressed above), I went back fully to the male spectrum, but realized that I couldn't live the way I had before. Ultimately I was changed anyhow; I had experience life changing events and could never go back to the way I had been before - not fully anyhow, but I made every attempt to be as male as I could. For one reason I felt guilt for the pain I had caused my parents and friends and that if I returned to their lives and didn't become the person they once knew as closely as possible, then I would somehow hurt them more. My reasons seemed good at the time, but they set me up for later failure.
I did maintain some sense of my former identity, but it was relegated to joking about my past and turning it into a big funny thing that happened the way that you might laugh at a friend who at one time was involved in a monstrous prank. Still, it was better than nothing, better than making them (and myself) face the reality that it wasn't a joke, nothing had changed - I still felt the same way - I just was feeling that way back in a male role.
Over the years I've felt this male role grate on me more and more, but I've had strength to just deal with it and push it off - escape into some game or some other addiction that prevented me from facing it. However even I knew that couldn't last forever and so recently decided to face it before it consumes me as it once did. I needed to find exactly what it was I really wanted - what I needed to feel like myself and to be happy.
In the past week I feel I've finally begun to explore the path that would lead to it. I won't go into all of the decision making processes that led to this, suffice it to say, it seems to me to be the right path.
Androgyny.
2. having both masculine and feminine characteristics.
3. having an ambiguous sexual identity.
4. neither clearly masculine nor clearly feminine in appearance
The more prudent might ask me, sure you want these things, but what about your career? Won't this adversely affect it? I figure it would, but then again, work could be like an 8 hour acting job I go to, a place I pretend to be what I need to be to get ahead, but once I get off work, the hair will come down, the stiff clothes will come off, and the masculine facade shed. I figure I can deal with this so long as I don't take the actor home with me.
I dislike expectations based on gender which can make it tough being a member of a church with such specific gender roles. I would love to be able to attend and even hold a calling in Relief Society (the female specific area of the church) just as I would like to hold one in the Priesthood as I do now. Its not that I feel oppressed or anything, I mean the church has its rules, and I believe they are dictated by God, and if He wanted them different then so be it. It's not my job to change the church, and I would never deign to do so, its just annoying at times constantly being reminded of the distinction of my sex. I don't feel I really fit in very well with the guys, but I wonder if I wouldn't have the same problem were I tossed in with the women. I guess I'm just gender-screwed. ;)
So to put a point on this, I'm gonna throw up the proverbial middle finger at convention and be as androgynous as I choose to be. If I feel like being more male one day I will, but then if I feel differently the next day, so be it. I'm not intending to throw it in anyone's face, I just want to be real and express and be appreciated for all aspects of myself - aspects I feel are valid, genuine and hold in them no malice or guile.
The Actor (Poem)
This is a poem I wrote many many years ago expressing my dissatisfaction with my life and how I always had to hide who I was. This was a time when the pendulum was pulled to its height as I desperately tried to prevent anyone from knowing how I really felt inside. Though the pendulum is no longer so strained, this poem still represents my feelings that I can never fully be myself for fear of how I will affect others close to me who are used to me as I am.
The Actor
Alone and sad I'm locked away
Far deep within the darkest cell:
A prison with no walls or chains,
Within my mind a living hell.
Perceptions of the world pass by;
I watch them from my mental cage,
But barred away from taking part
I let an actor take my stage.
He lives the life I've never known.
With him I can't identify.
The world accepts what they don't know
Is nothing but a living lie.
Because of him I can't be free,
And none can see that I exist,
But to remove him from his place
Is something that I dare not risk.
He lives a life that's not his own.
To take it is to kill the man.
And though he never should have lived,
Just who am I to say I can?
'cause though I might be fin'lly free,
It is not worth the risk I fear
To cause such pain to come about
And kill one others hold so dear.
For even if I showed the truth,
I fear that they will just not see
The man I killed to show myself
Was really never truly me.
I long to die but wish to live,
But trapped and buried I must stay
To save the sorrow caused to some
And let them love the lie I made.
Alone and sad I'm locked away
Far deep within the darkest cell:
A prison with no walls or chains,
Within my mind a living hell.
Perceptions of the world pass by;
I watch them from my mental cage,
But barred away from taking part
I let an actor take my stage.
He lives the life I've never known.
With him I can't identify.
The world accepts what they don't know
Is nothing but a living lie.
Because of him I can't be free,
And none can see that I exist,
But to remove him from his place
Is something that I dare not risk.
He lives a life that's not his own.
To take it is to kill the man.
And though he never should have lived,
Just who am I to say I can?
'cause though I might be fin'lly free,
It is not worth the risk I fear
To cause such pain to come about
And kill one others hold so dear.
For even if I showed the truth,
I fear that they will just not see
The man I killed to show myself
Was really never truly me.
I long to die but wish to live,
But trapped and buried I must stay
To save the sorrow caused to some
And let them love the lie I made.
Inter alia
My Meeting with the Bishop
The following was posted to a forum on 2-20-09:
I made a big decision earlier this week. I decided to meet with my
bishop concerning my GID. Now for those of you who know me know how
open I am and you can assume that I've spoke when bishops before about
my condition. You'd be correct in that assumption, but when I
normally speak to people about my issue, I speak to them about it in a
different WAY than I chose to this time.
I made a big decision earlier this week. I decided to meet with my
bishop concerning my GID. Now for those of you who know me know how
open I am and you can assume that I've spoke when bishops before about
my condition. You'd be correct in that assumption, but when I
normally speak to people about my issue, I speak to them about it in a
different WAY than I chose to this time.
I think as part of our culture and even our male stereotypes (which up
till a few months ago, I was still trying to live up to) we like to
keep our problems to ourselves. So when I told people about my past
transition, it was always in the context of "look here is what
happened to me, BUT I'm totally over it now and have overcome it."
This was a lie really, but I wanted to believe it. So while I was
open with people about my past, I never let on that it still bothered
me. I feel I mostly did this to not look weak or have them think
badly of me or have people feel as if I was confessing.
But this time when I went to see the bishop I decided I would tell him
the truth - how much it still affected me and how much it hurt. So I
went to see him and sat down with him. He already knew of my
condition because he was the EQ president of the ward I was in when I
left the church almost 10 years ago. We laughed reminiscing about our
first meeting. I had already left the church and he was making a
house call to an inactive member. I believed that I was quite terse
with him and asked him not to come back. He remembered it quite
differently, that I was far nicer than most in my position. I guess
my "terse" is not very intimidating. I mean I DID invite him to sit
down to talk, I just got to the point really fast :D
The bishop wanted to know more about how I things transpired and what
led me back to the church. In an abbreviated version of my story, I
told him the details related to the church, the fact that I knew I
would not be allowed to marry my husband in the temple or be sealed to
my children were I to transition, and the whole revelation that led me
back.
I found that when I was telling the story (BTW, I used to NEVER EVER
tell people about the fact I wanted a husband and children and about
how much sorrow it brought me knowing I would not be able to be sealed
to them because it was always so emotional for me, and as I mentioned
earlier, I didn't want people to feel I had any problems). So I let
myself feel it, and not try to play it off. I started to cry in the
meeting. I told him very flatly that I felt like I had given up a
pretty amazing future life all on the wings of the revelation I had to
come back - that the church HAD to be true or I felt my life would
have been wasted. I told him also that the common wisdom among the TS
community and medical professionals was that I should transition and
choosing to do what I was doing put me in a very lonely position.
To it all he had several responses. He told me that few had been
tested as I have. He said people pay lip service to sacrifices made
for the church, but few have had to really make a choice that would be
a painful sacrifice for them the rest of their lives based on a
revelation or the church. He said he himself would be included in
that group of those who haven't had to sacrifice as much.
He told me that I had a testimony, and not just of the church per se,
but of the Gospel plan itself. He told me that while I was a member
of his ward, he wanted me to do my best to be an example to the other
members because they would need my strength. He says this while I'm
crying of course - I wasn't feeling very strong then, but I understood
his point.
He also told me he really wanted this ward to be a haven for me, a
place where I could really feel comfortable. He told me that if
anyone ANYONE made me feel uncomfortable or caused me to lose my peace
to let him know immediately and he would take care of it.
Before I left I asked him to do me a favor. I asked him, being the
only person authorized besides myself to receive revelation for me, if
he would seek to do so. I told him that I was pioneering this road
alone and that I was truly reliant upon God's direction as I
experiment ways to live in harmony with my condition and the church.
He told me he would and asked if he would be permitted to ask around
concerning my condition for external help. I told him it would be
fine.
All in all it was a great meeting. I supremely resisted the urge to
deceive him and tell him everything was "okay" and so was able to lay
it out there with all the gravity that I feel. As such I felt a lot
of peace leaving there rather than feeling I left so much unsaid.
I will keep you all informed how I this all transpires, but I think I
might have just found a ward home I can stay in for a long time.
Role Reversal
The following is a post to a forum on 2-23-09:
I had a very difficult Friday with my family. It was four weeks ago my mother passed away that day and both my father and sister were having great difficulties. I spoke with them both and walked them through all of the emotions from anger and frustration, to denial, to eventual grief and depression. All in all this took about three hours on the phone. They both consider me the "strong one."
When I got home that night, my wife was expecting me to be in a good mood, as that night I had planned to visit some friends I had not seen in a while, but instead I was pretty depressed because I had to cancel those plans in order to help my family and talking about my deceased mother for so long only made me sad.
I tell you what was going on that night to provide a backdrop for what happened. My wife let me talk to her about the night and how things went and listened to me vex myself over whether or not I was doing enough in my father and sister's lives. We then began to talk about our future together.
Up to this point the plan had been, generally, that I would finish my degree in May, land a big corporate job as I've had in the past, only higher paying due to my degree, we would finish paying the remainder of our debt while my wife worked. We would then have children and my wife would quit working to raise and teach them, take on the domestic duties of housework and cooking, and eventually start a home-based business she could eventually involve the kids in.
Sounds great huh? Only one problem - both of us hated it - secretly, until Friday night. We believed in everything we wanted to do, the good job, teaching the kids, the domestic duties, the home based business, all of it, however we were doing it according to cultural normative roles. Let me give you a quick picture of my wife and I.
Among our friends my wife is considered "the guy" and I'm considered "the girl" even among those who have no idea about my gender dysphoria (see my "about me" section on my profile for more information about this). When we get together I tend to take on the server role, preparing meals and cleaning up and sitting in the kitchen and talking to the other women. My wife on the other hand sits with all the guys and talks emphatically about whatever they are discussing.
My wife is dispassionate, she has difficulty showing emotions, introverted and finds her greatest joys in self-accomplishment and in gaining new knowledge. I am very feeling, empathetic, religious, extroverted and find my greatest joys in lifting up and supporting others in reaching their potentials. We are both intelligent, however I am more faith based and she reason based. She hates domestic duties while I revel in them. She and I want children, but for her she sees it as a way to pass on her genes having little overall control in how they turn out, while I see them as little people to be molded into righteous individuals. In fact my wife believes she will have a hard time getting attached to her children with her difficulties showing emotion and fears it will negatively affect them. My wife doesn't give hugs or the like, and has only told me "I love you" verbally twice in the 4 years we have been together as a couple. I accept this, because I know how she feels by how she acts with me.
I have worked in the corporate world in the past, and to be honest, I hated it. I mean I loved what I did and progressed up the ranks very quickly, but I found my emotions were constantly being assaulted. I had to make very difficult impersonal decisions regarding my employees, people I saw as REAL PEOPLE with REAL LIVES, and while it was easy for my male counterparts at the highest levels of the company, I really struggled with it. I cried with my employees when things got difficult and always sought for ways to bolster their self esteem. I also found being at the highest levels of my company and interacting with others of similar status with other companies just how much they care about themselves. The face they show to their fellow "elite" is so much different than that which they show to their employees and it sickened me. I can put on the face, and act the part, but it killed me. I am more of a self starter and want to do my own business where I am the boss, and if I had employees would treat them with an incredible degree of respect.
My wife on the other hand has been working for the past three years at odd jobs. Since she is not a socialite and waaaaay too intelligent for her own good, she often has difficulty being tactful and likable. This has resulted in bad interviews and reduced ability to get hired. She hates working with people and would enjoy a whole day if no one interacted with her. When she gets home she immediately immerses herself in study, whether it be a forum regarding new geological discoveries, investigating animal species, watching a documentary about just about anything and pointing out the misinformation in it, or reading a book about hox genes in flies and evolution by mutation. This is her real passion and she desperately desires to go back to school again to obtain her masters and eventual doctorate.
Well, in talking on Friday night we realized that our plan, sound as it was, actually played on the weaknesses of the other. I really didn't want to go back to that corporate world, at least not for an extended period of time, and she really didn't want to be responsible for the domestic duties or the children. In being honest with one another we realized that what we really desired was the opposite person's role. I wanted to keep the house clean, cook every night, serve my family, nurture, raise and teach my children from infancy, have a self-started home based business and support my spouse in whatever she decided to do to make her mark on the world. My wife wanted to go back to school, get her masters and then work on her doctorate. During this time she wanted to look for internships and other opportunities to pursue a career in paleontology or geological surveying and research.
After this huge reveal, I looked at her and said, "Why not? Who is forcing us to do what we don't want to do but us?" She agreed and we have since decided that, even though it will be a change from societal norms and even our own initial expectations, we will reverse roles.
I - AM - SO - EXCITED!!!!!!!!!!!
I couldn't have married a better person for me!!! I love her so very much!!! I want so much for her to succeed, for her to achieve her dreams and not be burdened by societal expectations! I want to lift her up and see her reach the stars! I myself cannot wait to take on the responsibilities I expected I would take when I transitioned, and take on a role that is so much more in keeping with who I am inside and not who I am expected to be! I will get to raise and teach my children, be their loving emotional nurturing parent, and sow seeds of great respect for their hard working mother, who, while she doesn't show her emotions often, loves them very much. She looks forward to being able to teach her children about her work, and engage them in her intellectual interests while not being expected to fulfill the role of the emotional nurturing mother.
We also realized the further implications of this all. My wife knows "The Actor," (the male facade I created in my youth to look and appear to follow cultural norms for my sex). She has seen him and knows he comes out as a way to protect myself. I had to wear him every day at my job, and she knew how much it pained me to do it. If we do this role reversal, I can truly throw him in the trash! Who needs him? I'm already going against every single societal expectation for me and as such, I don't need to look like the kind of person who would abhor the role I've taken - it would be too inconsistent. This also means the potential weakening of the symptoms of my GID (gender identity disorder). I will be the "mother" to my children and more in line with my heart and desires, while supporting my "husband" as she works hard in the world.
One more thing. My wife and I have never been much for tradition. So much has this been the case that my wife didn't really want to change her last name to mine, and I didn't feel much need for her to do so. However I did feel it important we have the same last name. I suggested changing mine to hers, something she readily accepted but something my family was very against. Because of this, she has maintained her maiden name and I my name. Things are changing though. For one thing, the children we will have will not be mine biologically - I cannot have children and she plans to have children through artificial means meaning they will be biologically related to her. I have no particular tie to my name - heck I've already changed it once - first and last. Therefore I've decided finally that I will change my last name to match hers and carry on her line. I know this is not traditional, but she feels strongly about keeping her name, and I feel strongly that we should all have the same last name, so doing this we meet both of our goals. I am truly happy that I can honor her in her desires this way and she is very happy that her family will be in her name.
This is truly momentous for us and such an exciting time! I'm so glad to have the wife I have and for our joint desires as non-traditional as they are. I cannot wait to be done with school to get our lives moving forward and get her back into school.
Thanks for listening!
I had a very difficult Friday with my family. It was four weeks ago my mother passed away that day and both my father and sister were having great difficulties. I spoke with them both and walked them through all of the emotions from anger and frustration, to denial, to eventual grief and depression. All in all this took about three hours on the phone. They both consider me the "strong one."
When I got home that night, my wife was expecting me to be in a good mood, as that night I had planned to visit some friends I had not seen in a while, but instead I was pretty depressed because I had to cancel those plans in order to help my family and talking about my deceased mother for so long only made me sad.
I tell you what was going on that night to provide a backdrop for what happened. My wife let me talk to her about the night and how things went and listened to me vex myself over whether or not I was doing enough in my father and sister's lives. We then began to talk about our future together.
Up to this point the plan had been, generally, that I would finish my degree in May, land a big corporate job as I've had in the past, only higher paying due to my degree, we would finish paying the remainder of our debt while my wife worked. We would then have children and my wife would quit working to raise and teach them, take on the domestic duties of housework and cooking, and eventually start a home-based business she could eventually involve the kids in.
Sounds great huh? Only one problem - both of us hated it - secretly, until Friday night. We believed in everything we wanted to do, the good job, teaching the kids, the domestic duties, the home based business, all of it, however we were doing it according to cultural normative roles. Let me give you a quick picture of my wife and I.
Among our friends my wife is considered "the guy" and I'm considered "the girl" even among those who have no idea about my gender dysphoria (see my "about me" section on my profile for more information about this). When we get together I tend to take on the server role, preparing meals and cleaning up and sitting in the kitchen and talking to the other women. My wife on the other hand sits with all the guys and talks emphatically about whatever they are discussing.
My wife is dispassionate, she has difficulty showing emotions, introverted and finds her greatest joys in self-accomplishment and in gaining new knowledge. I am very feeling, empathetic, religious, extroverted and find my greatest joys in lifting up and supporting others in reaching their potentials. We are both intelligent, however I am more faith based and she reason based. She hates domestic duties while I revel in them. She and I want children, but for her she sees it as a way to pass on her genes having little overall control in how they turn out, while I see them as little people to be molded into righteous individuals. In fact my wife believes she will have a hard time getting attached to her children with her difficulties showing emotion and fears it will negatively affect them. My wife doesn't give hugs or the like, and has only told me "I love you" verbally twice in the 4 years we have been together as a couple. I accept this, because I know how she feels by how she acts with me.
I have worked in the corporate world in the past, and to be honest, I hated it. I mean I loved what I did and progressed up the ranks very quickly, but I found my emotions were constantly being assaulted. I had to make very difficult impersonal decisions regarding my employees, people I saw as REAL PEOPLE with REAL LIVES, and while it was easy for my male counterparts at the highest levels of the company, I really struggled with it. I cried with my employees when things got difficult and always sought for ways to bolster their self esteem. I also found being at the highest levels of my company and interacting with others of similar status with other companies just how much they care about themselves. The face they show to their fellow "elite" is so much different than that which they show to their employees and it sickened me. I can put on the face, and act the part, but it killed me. I am more of a self starter and want to do my own business where I am the boss, and if I had employees would treat them with an incredible degree of respect.
My wife on the other hand has been working for the past three years at odd jobs. Since she is not a socialite and waaaaay too intelligent for her own good, she often has difficulty being tactful and likable. This has resulted in bad interviews and reduced ability to get hired. She hates working with people and would enjoy a whole day if no one interacted with her. When she gets home she immediately immerses herself in study, whether it be a forum regarding new geological discoveries, investigating animal species, watching a documentary about just about anything and pointing out the misinformation in it, or reading a book about hox genes in flies and evolution by mutation. This is her real passion and she desperately desires to go back to school again to obtain her masters and eventual doctorate.
Well, in talking on Friday night we realized that our plan, sound as it was, actually played on the weaknesses of the other. I really didn't want to go back to that corporate world, at least not for an extended period of time, and she really didn't want to be responsible for the domestic duties or the children. In being honest with one another we realized that what we really desired was the opposite person's role. I wanted to keep the house clean, cook every night, serve my family, nurture, raise and teach my children from infancy, have a self-started home based business and support my spouse in whatever she decided to do to make her mark on the world. My wife wanted to go back to school, get her masters and then work on her doctorate. During this time she wanted to look for internships and other opportunities to pursue a career in paleontology or geological surveying and research.
After this huge reveal, I looked at her and said, "Why not? Who is forcing us to do what we don't want to do but us?" She agreed and we have since decided that, even though it will be a change from societal norms and even our own initial expectations, we will reverse roles.
I - AM - SO - EXCITED!!!!!!!!!!!
I couldn't have married a better person for me!!! I love her so very much!!! I want so much for her to succeed, for her to achieve her dreams and not be burdened by societal expectations! I want to lift her up and see her reach the stars! I myself cannot wait to take on the responsibilities I expected I would take when I transitioned, and take on a role that is so much more in keeping with who I am inside and not who I am expected to be! I will get to raise and teach my children, be their loving emotional nurturing parent, and sow seeds of great respect for their hard working mother, who, while she doesn't show her emotions often, loves them very much. She looks forward to being able to teach her children about her work, and engage them in her intellectual interests while not being expected to fulfill the role of the emotional nurturing mother.
We also realized the further implications of this all. My wife knows "The Actor," (the male facade I created in my youth to look and appear to follow cultural norms for my sex). She has seen him and knows he comes out as a way to protect myself. I had to wear him every day at my job, and she knew how much it pained me to do it. If we do this role reversal, I can truly throw him in the trash! Who needs him? I'm already going against every single societal expectation for me and as such, I don't need to look like the kind of person who would abhor the role I've taken - it would be too inconsistent. This also means the potential weakening of the symptoms of my GID (gender identity disorder). I will be the "mother" to my children and more in line with my heart and desires, while supporting my "husband" as she works hard in the world.
One more thing. My wife and I have never been much for tradition. So much has this been the case that my wife didn't really want to change her last name to mine, and I didn't feel much need for her to do so. However I did feel it important we have the same last name. I suggested changing mine to hers, something she readily accepted but something my family was very against. Because of this, she has maintained her maiden name and I my name. Things are changing though. For one thing, the children we will have will not be mine biologically - I cannot have children and she plans to have children through artificial means meaning they will be biologically related to her. I have no particular tie to my name - heck I've already changed it once - first and last. Therefore I've decided finally that I will change my last name to match hers and carry on her line. I know this is not traditional, but she feels strongly about keeping her name, and I feel strongly that we should all have the same last name, so doing this we meet both of our goals. I am truly happy that I can honor her in her desires this way and she is very happy that her family will be in her name.
This is truly momentous for us and such an exciting time! I'm so glad to have the wife I have and for our joint desires as non-traditional as they are. I cannot wait to be done with school to get our lives moving forward and get her back into school.
Thanks for listening!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
Posts
