I hope to find others who are undertaking the same path - that we might be able to support each other and learn how to deal with this together.
Sunday, April 5, 2009
My Mission Statement
There have been many who have attempted to help me see the light, see that I'll never make it as a male, that ultimately I'll lose to this and either give up my life, or transition anyhow. I've heard it over and over again and there is no way I can prove to anyone I will make it until I am dead. That won't stop me from trying. I'm doing my best to provide an example so people who deal with GID won't feel the hopelessness fostered by attitudes like those who tell me I cannot make it. I want to show that for some, transition isn't the only option, but that is gonna take, research, work, and a ton of trial and error. People can support me in my quest or get out of the way. I hope to find others who are undertaking the same path - that we might be able to support each other and learn how to deal with this together.
I hope to find others who are undertaking the same path - that we might be able to support each other and learn how to deal with this together.
Coping Techniques to Date (4/5/09)
I have been experimenting with coping techniques for 7 years now. If I find one that works, I implement it and use it in my daily life, if it doesn't work, I toss it out. What I have found, is that the coping techniques often work like prescription medication. Too much and it can have an adverse affect.
1) I have found out what specific triggers there are for my GID, and using learning-behavior techniques, have taught myself to no longer associate those stimuli with GID thoughts, but with more neutral ones.
2) I have done my best to focus on the things in my life that I have, rather than the things in my life I don't have.
3) I have learned that depression and other negative mental states provoke my GID and the GID persists long after the depressive stimulus is removed. Thus, I do my best to control and prevent depression and drama in my life.
4) I have learned never, never, never to pretend my GID doesn't exist. Doing so, even in periods where it is not bothering me as much, always stimulates the return of symptoms and they are normally far worse.
5) This goes along with #4, but I don't try to be anything I'm not. I stopped playing "roles" for other people. The roles invariably caused me difficulty as I often tried to appear as "masculine" as I could muster.
6) I am open with others about my condition. Being open with others allows for greater authenticity in the relationship and less tendency to want to meet their expectations of me as a male.
7) I have several very close friends (including my wife) with whom I can speak to at any time when I start to feel the symptoms come on. They all know me and my struggles and are there when needed - fortunately I'm relying on them less and less.
8) I think of all that I'd lose if I were to transition again and the pain it would bring about.
9) I present myself more androgynously in that I don't try to dress stereotypically for my sex - this prevents me from going into a role that is not conducive with my inner self.
I am experimenting with more techniques right now. I will tell you if they work and add them to my growing list. Others that are dealing with this the same way I am have learned some of their own coping techniques but I have not listed the ones that don't also work for me. For some that is part-time living, or dressing up and going out occasionally.
1) I have found out what specific triggers there are for my GID, and using learning-behavior techniques, have taught myself to no longer associate those stimuli with GID thoughts, but with more neutral ones.
2) I have done my best to focus on the things in my life that I have, rather than the things in my life I don't have.
3) I have learned that depression and other negative mental states provoke my GID and the GID persists long after the depressive stimulus is removed. Thus, I do my best to control and prevent depression and drama in my life.
4) I have learned never, never, never to pretend my GID doesn't exist. Doing so, even in periods where it is not bothering me as much, always stimulates the return of symptoms and they are normally far worse.
5) This goes along with #4, but I don't try to be anything I'm not. I stopped playing "roles" for other people. The roles invariably caused me difficulty as I often tried to appear as "masculine" as I could muster.
6) I am open with others about my condition. Being open with others allows for greater authenticity in the relationship and less tendency to want to meet their expectations of me as a male.
7) I have several very close friends (including my wife) with whom I can speak to at any time when I start to feel the symptoms come on. They all know me and my struggles and are there when needed - fortunately I'm relying on them less and less.
8) I think of all that I'd lose if I were to transition again and the pain it would bring about.
9) I present myself more androgynously in that I don't try to dress stereotypically for my sex - this prevents me from going into a role that is not conducive with my inner self.
I am experimenting with more techniques right now. I will tell you if they work and add them to my growing list.
Others that are dealing with this the same way I am have learned some of their own coping techniques but I have not listed the ones that don't also work for me. For some that is part-time living, or dressing up and going out occasionally.
Wednesday, March 11, 2009
Reason for Gender Dysphoria
From a forum post on Feb 9, 2008.
We know that there is most likely an area of the brain responsible for the sensation (perception) of gender identity. However we haven't figured out yet where it is located or how it is encoded (or even more specifically, where we can poke at it in a monkey and generalize it to we humans).
But because I DO believe it is there, I think that our GID is much more likely the result of a malfunctioning "gender identity brain center" than a malformed body. This would make it a mental birth defect - same as schizophrenia or countless others. Of course, just because it exists biologically doesn't mean that is how it is triggered. If it had a biological base and an environmental trigger (again like schizophrenia) that could explain the "late-comers" you might say.
Regardless if it is a problem in the mind or a problem in the body right now there isn't a whole heck of a lot you can do about it. Learn to live with the discomfort or transition (or something in between). If I am correct, perhaps once we have traumatized enough chimps and rhesus monkeys we will discover where we gain our concept of gender identity and will be able to have it modified.
The next question is though, who would want that modification? I think for some being "transgendered" has become so central to their identity (what with all the time being so focused on it) that it might be hard to let go - like they had all that pain for nothing.
We know that there is most likely an area of the brain responsible for the sensation (perception) of gender identity. However we haven't figured out yet where it is located or how it is encoded (or even more specifically, where we can poke at it in a monkey and generalize it to we humans).
But because I DO believe it is there, I think that our GID is much more likely the result of a malfunctioning "gender identity brain center" than a malformed body. This would make it a mental birth defect - same as schizophrenia or countless others. Of course, just because it exists biologically doesn't mean that is how it is triggered. If it had a biological base and an environmental trigger (again like schizophrenia) that could explain the "late-comers" you might say.
Regardless if it is a problem in the mind or a problem in the body right now there isn't a whole heck of a lot you can do about it. Learn to live with the discomfort or transition (or something in between). If I am correct, perhaps once we have traumatized enough chimps and rhesus monkeys we will discover where we gain our concept of gender identity and will be able to have it modified.
The next question is though, who would want that modification? I think for some being "transgendered" has become so central to their identity (what with all the time being so focused on it) that it might be hard to let go - like they had all that pain for nothing.
Wednesday, March 4, 2009
Spiritual Points from a Fast
During my most recent fast undertaken for the sake of our brothers and sisters who struggle with GID, my stake, as well as the rest in Texas, Oklahoma, and New Mexico had a stake conference consisting of a Sunday broadcast from church general authorities. Having been fasting, and considering the subject of the fasting, I was overly receptive to the Spirit and wanted to share a few points, in no particular order from the conference. I will divide these among multiple posts so that one thread does not become too bogged down with conversation and so I needn't write an exceedingly long post before getting everyone thinking.
1) Challenges provide us with defining moments. How will we allow challenges to define the remainder of our lives?
We as people with GID, have a very specific type of challenge, and certainly one that will test our mettle as members of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. With the little revealed doctrine, largely Spirit-directed local brethren making decisions concerning us, and the only known "cure" being largely misunderstood and perhaps even detrimental to some of us, it can certainly seem like a real walk of faith. I myself have had these defining moments. After having transitioned successfully for nearly 2 years and after a lifetime of longing, the Lord gave me an opportunity, through a meeting with one of these bewildered church local authorities, to either follow His counsel given through this bishop, or to show that I will walk in my own paths. I chose the former, and so made a choice that would define my faith as well as the direction I would take the rest of my life. I've been called strong before, but I do not know if it is as much strength as much as it is practice. I had practiced, previous to that time, for years, dedicatedly following the Lord and the counsel of the brethren. In fact, I only left the church when I felt there was no personal revelation opposing it. So, once I again received personal revelation, I was still in practice of doing as the Lord commanded me. That doesn't mean it was easy, but I had prepared myself before having to make such a difficult choice of consistently choosing the Lord, which made the decision to follow Him once again far more appealing.
2) Job did not turn against God. Despite our afflictions we must not "curse God and die."
"You are not yet as Job." This trite phrase tends to offer little in the way of comfort to me personally, though I do understand the point. We can only understand suffering to the capacity to which we have suffered with only limited glimpses of suffering beyond our experiences. However we can still place ourselves in the place of Job in his story, believing our temptations and sufferings to be beyond that of others, perhaps even the worst they can be. Being able to do this should allow us to look at what Job did. Despite his afflictions and counsel from his family and friends, Job decided he would not curse God, or as I like to see it, blame God maliciously. So even if we are as Job, shouldn't we realize that by following his example, we too will receive more than we can imagine if we will remain faithful to the Lord. I know for many of us, the pressures seem overwhelming to "curse God and die" and in fact many of those in our situation have. The wonder of it is, would have it not been better, regardless of what decision you make concerning how you deal with your condition, to keep the Lord in your life? At least then you retain the potential companionship of the Holy Ghost to direct you on your paths.
3) Peace only comes to us when we can see the complete plan of God. We should focus more on spiritual things than temporal things.
Truly this is an important point for us as individuals we GID we tend to be overly focused on temporal things. Our GID disrupts daily normal living and can cause us consistent pain. We know however, at least intellectually that focusing on hope, on our Savior, serving others, and the Gospel plan will help to act as a buffer against those specific pains we feel, we still have a great tendency to ignore them in favor of a way to stop the pain here and now. While temporal things are very important, they are not the only important thing, and as we spend more and more time focused on the temporal things of the world and less on the spiritual things, we will become weakened to fight against our ailments and come more and more to rely on the 'arm of the flesh' - a state that we should seek to avoid if we will ever truly be able to combat our condition. What does it mean to focus on spiritual things? Keeping up with those spiritual activities the prophets have encouraged us to do for years and years - prayer, regular church attendance, paying tithing, fasting, attending the temple and fulfilling the three fold mission of the church, and very importantly, service! Devoting time to these things will certainly give us an opportunity to be more open to the spirit of the Lord and show Him our devotion to allowing Him to help us carry our burdens so we needn't rely upon only ourselves - a path that will assuredly fail.
4) We must not worship idols.
To those who have been a part of the TS community at large can see the idol worship so common among us with GID. We worship at the altar of transsexualism before the great idol of our other-sexed image - a version of self worship. This transsexual religion has a hell, and it is staying our birth sex with the dysphoria that brings, so we turn our eyes and our hearts to the almighty image of ourselves as the other sex, and sacrifice much to its name. Now I am not saying that transition is wrong or couldn't be a needed correction for some, but I am saying that we must not become overly focused on self worship. We must keep our perspective as Latter-day saints. Remember who the true giver of peace is - not the surgeon, but our Savior - not the hormones, but the Atonement. These things bring true happiness in this world and in the next. Regardless of what actions we take to relieve our symptoms of GID, we must keep our perspective on the Savior and the Gospel plan so that we can be assured we are drawing our strength from a source that will not fail us.
More points to come.
1) Challenges provide us with defining moments. How will we allow challenges to define the remainder of our lives?
We as people with GID, have a very specific type of challenge, and certainly one that will test our mettle as members of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. With the little revealed doctrine, largely Spirit-directed local brethren making decisions concerning us, and the only known "cure" being largely misunderstood and perhaps even detrimental to some of us, it can certainly seem like a real walk of faith. I myself have had these defining moments. After having transitioned successfully for nearly 2 years and after a lifetime of longing, the Lord gave me an opportunity, through a meeting with one of these bewildered church local authorities, to either follow His counsel given through this bishop, or to show that I will walk in my own paths. I chose the former, and so made a choice that would define my faith as well as the direction I would take the rest of my life. I've been called strong before, but I do not know if it is as much strength as much as it is practice. I had practiced, previous to that time, for years, dedicatedly following the Lord and the counsel of the brethren. In fact, I only left the church when I felt there was no personal revelation opposing it. So, once I again received personal revelation, I was still in practice of doing as the Lord commanded me. That doesn't mean it was easy, but I had prepared myself before having to make such a difficult choice of consistently choosing the Lord, which made the decision to follow Him once again far more appealing.
2) Job did not turn against God. Despite our afflictions we must not "curse God and die."
"You are not yet as Job." This trite phrase tends to offer little in the way of comfort to me personally, though I do understand the point. We can only understand suffering to the capacity to which we have suffered with only limited glimpses of suffering beyond our experiences. However we can still place ourselves in the place of Job in his story, believing our temptations and sufferings to be beyond that of others, perhaps even the worst they can be. Being able to do this should allow us to look at what Job did. Despite his afflictions and counsel from his family and friends, Job decided he would not curse God, or as I like to see it, blame God maliciously. So even if we are as Job, shouldn't we realize that by following his example, we too will receive more than we can imagine if we will remain faithful to the Lord. I know for many of us, the pressures seem overwhelming to "curse God and die" and in fact many of those in our situation have. The wonder of it is, would have it not been better, regardless of what decision you make concerning how you deal with your condition, to keep the Lord in your life? At least then you retain the potential companionship of the Holy Ghost to direct you on your paths.
3) Peace only comes to us when we can see the complete plan of God. We should focus more on spiritual things than temporal things.
Truly this is an important point for us as individuals we GID we tend to be overly focused on temporal things. Our GID disrupts daily normal living and can cause us consistent pain. We know however, at least intellectually that focusing on hope, on our Savior, serving others, and the Gospel plan will help to act as a buffer against those specific pains we feel, we still have a great tendency to ignore them in favor of a way to stop the pain here and now. While temporal things are very important, they are not the only important thing, and as we spend more and more time focused on the temporal things of the world and less on the spiritual things, we will become weakened to fight against our ailments and come more and more to rely on the 'arm of the flesh' - a state that we should seek to avoid if we will ever truly be able to combat our condition. What does it mean to focus on spiritual things? Keeping up with those spiritual activities the prophets have encouraged us to do for years and years - prayer, regular church attendance, paying tithing, fasting, attending the temple and fulfilling the three fold mission of the church, and very importantly, service! Devoting time to these things will certainly give us an opportunity to be more open to the spirit of the Lord and show Him our devotion to allowing Him to help us carry our burdens so we needn't rely upon only ourselves - a path that will assuredly fail.
4) We must not worship idols.
To those who have been a part of the TS community at large can see the idol worship so common among us with GID. We worship at the altar of transsexualism before the great idol of our other-sexed image - a version of self worship. This transsexual religion has a hell, and it is staying our birth sex with the dysphoria that brings, so we turn our eyes and our hearts to the almighty image of ourselves as the other sex, and sacrifice much to its name. Now I am not saying that transition is wrong or couldn't be a needed correction for some, but I am saying that we must not become overly focused on self worship. We must keep our perspective as Latter-day saints. Remember who the true giver of peace is - not the surgeon, but our Savior - not the hormones, but the Atonement. These things bring true happiness in this world and in the next. Regardless of what actions we take to relieve our symptoms of GID, we must keep our perspective on the Savior and the Gospel plan so that we can be assured we are drawing our strength from a source that will not fail us.
More points to come.
Acculturation
Acculturation - cultural modification of an individual, group, or
people by adapting to or borrowing traits from another culture ;
also : a merging of cultures as a result of prolonged contact
evidence for this in both my life and the lives of other
transsexuals. Perhaps if, from an early age, we were not so compelled
to adjust our cultures' from female to male, our GID would not grow to
the significance it does later in life after a lifetime of mal-
adaptive behaviors. Now this might not apply to all proclaimed
transsexuals because some of them claim that they have always been
women and refuse to accept any environmental influences or factors
that may have affected their GID. I on the other hand believe in a
very powerful cultural and environmental influence that leads to GID
over-expressing itself regardless of its potential biological roots.
This acculturation theory seems to lend support to my ideas.
people by adapting to or borrowing traits from another culture ;
also : a merging of cultures as a result of prolonged contact
I was studying about this concept today for my Abnormal Psychology
class. Essentially studies have shown that first generation Americans
from minority cultures such as Mexico that too strongly acculturate,
or in other words, adapt their native culture to that of the new
majority culture suffer from extremely higher rates of depression and
other mal-adaptive stress disorders.
Those individuals who maintain their original culture or become bi-
cultural (adapting to the new culture without losing their identity
with the original culture and its expectations), tend to be far better
adjusted living in the new culture.
Now consider this with me for a second.
Consider that being male and being female is like being in two
separate cultures. There is an identifiable male culture and specific
expectations as well as an identifiable female culture.
Say you are from one of these two cultures, but try to acculturate to
the other completely. Obviously, if the analogy holds, you would
potentially have an increased rate of depression and other mal-
adaptive stress disorders. Say however, that you do not give up your
original culture while living in the new culture. You have a far
better chance then to adjust to living healthily.
So to be blunt, those of us who are bio-males but identify as female
cultured, suffer from higher rates of depression when we attempt to
embrace male culture as we are expected to, but those who maintain
their original female culture while living as males, have a far better
chance to be healthy.
evidence for this in both my life and the lives of other
transsexuals. Perhaps if, from an early age, we were not so compelled
to adjust our cultures' from female to male, our GID would not grow to
the significance it does later in life after a lifetime of mal-
adaptive behaviors. Now this might not apply to all proclaimed
transsexuals because some of them claim that they have always been
women and refuse to accept any environmental influences or factors
that may have affected their GID. I on the other hand believe in a
very powerful cultural and environmental influence that leads to GID
over-expressing itself regardless of its potential biological roots.
This acculturation theory seems to lend support to my ideas.
Androgyny
The following was posted to a blog on 11-3-08:
This has been an increasingly revealing time in my life. Since the sudden and dramatic return of my cross gender feelings that prompted the creation of this journal, I've explored more deeply the roots behind my issues. Fortunately, I haven't had to do this totally alone, always having my loving and supportive wife by my side - a blessing I cannot be more thankful for.
A little background. When I lived as a female, I didn't do much to endorse my femininity, instead, I dressed very casually, rarely wore makeup, and normally just threw my hair up in a high ponytail or a clip. While this might have been one of the reasons I passed so well (I didn't go all super-feminine crazy as so many transsexuals do and so appeared much more natural), that wasn't my goal. I felt like being me and that didn't involve having to go to all that trouble. Honestly this is something that both confused and made my transsexual friends envious.
But that's not all really. As I've mentioned before in this journal, I didn't feel right when I passed 100%. When I was totally accepted as a female (the pinnacle of any MTF (male to female) transsexual's dream) I found it difficult to deal with it. I felt like I was being deceitful and lying all over again. It seemed that if living on the male end of the gender pendulum caused me discomfort feeling like I wasn't truly expressing the whole of myself, I started to get the inkling that swinging all the way over to the other side of the pendulum might cause the same problem.
To alleviate these feelings of disingenuous perception, I found myself actually telling people who were totally convinced I was a girl, that I wasn't always so. In a way, it made me feel a lot better - much in the same way as when I came out to others when I was male that I didn't feel like one. This of course is not commonplace behavior for a transsexual. I'm not saying that no transsexual does this, but based ony my experiences with those that I knew, they thought I was half crazy. I mean, I can see their point as for one thing; what I was doing was dangerous. Some transsexuals have to live with the fact they will never totally pass and deal with all the social stigmas and danger that come with that, so for someone who passed to actually expose themselves was something of a taboo.
The more prudent might ask me, sure you want these things, but what about your career? Won't this adversely affect it? I figure it would, but then again, work could be like an 8 hour acting job I go to, a place I pretend to be what I need to be to get ahead, but once I get off work, the hair will come down, the stiff clothes will come off, and the masculine facade shed. I figure I can deal with this so long as I don't take the actor home with me.
I dislike expectations based on gender which can make it tough being a member of a church with such specific gender roles. I would love to be able to attend and even hold a calling in Relief Society (the female specific area of the church) just as I would like to hold one in the Priesthood as I do now. Its not that I feel oppressed or anything, I mean the church has its rules, and I believe they are dictated by God, and if He wanted them different then so be it. It's not my job to change the church, and I would never deign to do so, its just annoying at times constantly being reminded of the distinction of my sex. I don't feel I really fit in very well with the guys, but I wonder if I wouldn't have the same problem were I tossed in with the women. I guess I'm just gender-screwed. ;)
So to put a point on this, I'm gonna throw up the proverbial middle finger at convention and be as androgynous as I choose to be. If I feel like being more male one day I will, but then if I feel differently the next day, so be it. I'm not intending to throw it in anyone's face, I just want to be real and express and be appreciated for all aspects of myself - aspects I feel are valid, genuine and hold in them no malice or guile.
This has been an increasingly revealing time in my life. Since the sudden and dramatic return of my cross gender feelings that prompted the creation of this journal, I've explored more deeply the roots behind my issues. Fortunately, I haven't had to do this totally alone, always having my loving and supportive wife by my side - a blessing I cannot be more thankful for.
A little background. When I lived as a female, I didn't do much to endorse my femininity, instead, I dressed very casually, rarely wore makeup, and normally just threw my hair up in a high ponytail or a clip. While this might have been one of the reasons I passed so well (I didn't go all super-feminine crazy as so many transsexuals do and so appeared much more natural), that wasn't my goal. I felt like being me and that didn't involve having to go to all that trouble. Honestly this is something that both confused and made my transsexual friends envious.
But that's not all really. As I've mentioned before in this journal, I didn't feel right when I passed 100%. When I was totally accepted as a female (the pinnacle of any MTF (male to female) transsexual's dream) I found it difficult to deal with it. I felt like I was being deceitful and lying all over again. It seemed that if living on the male end of the gender pendulum caused me discomfort feeling like I wasn't truly expressing the whole of myself, I started to get the inkling that swinging all the way over to the other side of the pendulum might cause the same problem.
To alleviate these feelings of disingenuous perception, I found myself actually telling people who were totally convinced I was a girl, that I wasn't always so. In a way, it made me feel a lot better - much in the same way as when I came out to others when I was male that I didn't feel like one. This of course is not commonplace behavior for a transsexual. I'm not saying that no transsexual does this, but based ony my experiences with those that I knew, they thought I was half crazy. I mean, I can see their point as for one thing; what I was doing was dangerous. Some transsexuals have to live with the fact they will never totally pass and deal with all the social stigmas and danger that come with that, so for someone who passed to actually expose themselves was something of a taboo.
This of course should have been a clue that maybe I wasn't as set on being 100% girl as I thought I was, but I was so caught up with the fact that I needed to adhere to a rigid two gender system it didn't allow for much wiggle room. I would either be a boy or a girl, and since being a boy wasn't working out, being a girl was the best choice, but I couldn't fight the fact that at times, I would wonder if I wasn't making the same mistake I made as a male (even if I couldn't explain why).
When I went back to living as a male (for strongly religious reasons coupled with the doubt I expressed above), I went back fully to the male spectrum, but realized that I couldn't live the way I had before. Ultimately I was changed anyhow; I had experience life changing events and could never go back to the way I had been before - not fully anyhow, but I made every attempt to be as male as I could. For one reason I felt guilt for the pain I had caused my parents and friends and that if I returned to their lives and didn't become the person they once knew as closely as possible, then I would somehow hurt them more. My reasons seemed good at the time, but they set me up for later failure.
I did maintain some sense of my former identity, but it was relegated to joking about my past and turning it into a big funny thing that happened the way that you might laugh at a friend who at one time was involved in a monstrous prank. Still, it was better than nothing, better than making them (and myself) face the reality that it wasn't a joke, nothing had changed - I still felt the same way - I just was feeling that way back in a male role.
Over the years I've felt this male role grate on me more and more, but I've had strength to just deal with it and push it off - escape into some game or some other addiction that prevented me from facing it. However even I knew that couldn't last forever and so recently decided to face it before it consumes me as it once did. I needed to find exactly what it was I really wanted - what I needed to feel like myself and to be happy.
In the past week I feel I've finally begun to explore the path that would lead to it. I won't go into all of the decision making processes that led to this, suffice it to say, it seems to me to be the right path.
Androgyny.
2. having both masculine and feminine characteristics.
3. having an ambiguous sexual identity.
4. neither clearly masculine nor clearly feminine in appearance
The more prudent might ask me, sure you want these things, but what about your career? Won't this adversely affect it? I figure it would, but then again, work could be like an 8 hour acting job I go to, a place I pretend to be what I need to be to get ahead, but once I get off work, the hair will come down, the stiff clothes will come off, and the masculine facade shed. I figure I can deal with this so long as I don't take the actor home with me.
I dislike expectations based on gender which can make it tough being a member of a church with such specific gender roles. I would love to be able to attend and even hold a calling in Relief Society (the female specific area of the church) just as I would like to hold one in the Priesthood as I do now. Its not that I feel oppressed or anything, I mean the church has its rules, and I believe they are dictated by God, and if He wanted them different then so be it. It's not my job to change the church, and I would never deign to do so, its just annoying at times constantly being reminded of the distinction of my sex. I don't feel I really fit in very well with the guys, but I wonder if I wouldn't have the same problem were I tossed in with the women. I guess I'm just gender-screwed. ;)
So to put a point on this, I'm gonna throw up the proverbial middle finger at convention and be as androgynous as I choose to be. If I feel like being more male one day I will, but then if I feel differently the next day, so be it. I'm not intending to throw it in anyone's face, I just want to be real and express and be appreciated for all aspects of myself - aspects I feel are valid, genuine and hold in them no malice or guile.
The Actor (Poem)
This is a poem I wrote many many years ago expressing my dissatisfaction with my life and how I always had to hide who I was. This was a time when the pendulum was pulled to its height as I desperately tried to prevent anyone from knowing how I really felt inside. Though the pendulum is no longer so strained, this poem still represents my feelings that I can never fully be myself for fear of how I will affect others close to me who are used to me as I am.
The Actor
Alone and sad I'm locked away
Far deep within the darkest cell:
A prison with no walls or chains,
Within my mind a living hell.
Perceptions of the world pass by;
I watch them from my mental cage,
But barred away from taking part
I let an actor take my stage.
He lives the life I've never known.
With him I can't identify.
The world accepts what they don't know
Is nothing but a living lie.
Because of him I can't be free,
And none can see that I exist,
But to remove him from his place
Is something that I dare not risk.
He lives a life that's not his own.
To take it is to kill the man.
And though he never should have lived,
Just who am I to say I can?
'cause though I might be fin'lly free,
It is not worth the risk I fear
To cause such pain to come about
And kill one others hold so dear.
For even if I showed the truth,
I fear that they will just not see
The man I killed to show myself
Was really never truly me.
I long to die but wish to live,
But trapped and buried I must stay
To save the sorrow caused to some
And let them love the lie I made.
Alone and sad I'm locked away
Far deep within the darkest cell:
A prison with no walls or chains,
Within my mind a living hell.
Perceptions of the world pass by;
I watch them from my mental cage,
But barred away from taking part
I let an actor take my stage.
He lives the life I've never known.
With him I can't identify.
The world accepts what they don't know
Is nothing but a living lie.
Because of him I can't be free,
And none can see that I exist,
But to remove him from his place
Is something that I dare not risk.
He lives a life that's not his own.
To take it is to kill the man.
And though he never should have lived,
Just who am I to say I can?
'cause though I might be fin'lly free,
It is not worth the risk I fear
To cause such pain to come about
And kill one others hold so dear.
For even if I showed the truth,
I fear that they will just not see
The man I killed to show myself
Was really never truly me.
I long to die but wish to live,
But trapped and buried I must stay
To save the sorrow caused to some
And let them love the lie I made.
Inter alia
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