A few weeks ago I wrote an important post recognizing that my GID might have a sociocultural and associative component. As I began to explore that idea, I began to see more and more how deep it went, how much it had to do with my GID, and how relieving it was to realize it. I looked at myself and asked who am I? What am I longing to be when my GID takes over? Why does what I want to be have to be female? I took a hard look at my internal identity, at my idealized self.
All I've ever wanted was to be myself. All I've ever wanted was to be accepted for the person I believe myself to be on the inside. I learned to believe as a child that I could not be myself because I was male. Everything that I thought represented masculinity was not me so I assumed I must not be male. That turned me thinking that I needed to be a girl to truly be me. Denying my true self and embracing a masculine facade only strengthened my resolve to be myself (which by that point I associated with becoming female). When I met others like me, I related to them and their stories, began to identify as a transsexual and took the path of transition.
I'm challenging this all. I'm challenging my base assumption. I realized I was wrong. I am not a female, nor should I ever have been. I am a male who has markedly feminine traits and who should be able to express them to be true to himself. Once I realized all this, I realized I needed to change my idealized self from female to male. As I've done this, as I've reinforced that ideal, I have come to peace with being male. I feel stonger, more powerful, more in control and more peaceful than ever in my life with regard to my GID and it is because I was honest with myself, did some deep searching, recognized its root, challenged its existence, and now can face the truth:
A male child who had tremendously culturally feminine disposition was trounced upon by his male and female peers as well as belittled by the adults in his life. He came to associate his natural state of being as not appropriate for a male and began to pursue more masculine behaviors and attributes. Realizing these didn't accurately represent him, he determined he must be a female. As the child grew up he forgot his initial reasoning for determining he must be female and began to believe it essential to his core until it consumed him.
In essence, I developed the need to be female as a way to be myself. So as long as I can be myself without being female, the need to be female is moot.
I'm learning that now, and I am at peace.
It is challenging though. I realize my need to be female results from a feeling that I cannot be male and myself. I must therefore make a conscious and definitive effort to be myself (show my feminine traits) as a male especially when I am afraid to do so - such as in the presence of a group of other males. If I retreat into my entirely believable Actor persona and find relief, I only reinforce the the initial problem - that I cannot be myself and be male.
It is like fighting a phobia. If I'm afraid of socks and run from socks every time I am presented with them, it only negatively reinforces my fear of socks. Only if I stand in the presence of my fear and begin to associate that fear with less fearful experiences will I truly overcome it, but it will take diligence and effort.
So it is with my GID. I must learn to become comfortable being male and being myself. If I can learn to do that without retreating into my Actor persona, I will beat it the need to be female. While it will always seem nice to be female, it will no longer be associated with being true to myself, and thus will not consume me.
Will this be the end of my GID? I cannot know - but it certainly seems an important step in learning how to live without transition.
Wednesday, April 29, 2009
Tuesday, April 21, 2009
Associations
Recently I've been further analyzing my motivations, and the stimulus that provokes my GID (ok I always tend to do this) with my wife. I decided this time to focus on the incredible feelings of longing associated with GID. I looked specifically at that which I was longing for. As I did so, I had to admit things that were hard for me to hear - judgments I made within, and prejudices I held somewhere deep inside.
I would ask that you do not judge me too harshly for the things which I discovered about myself - aspects of them are shameful to me enough as it is. I share my discoveries with you all in hopes you can relate and perhaps this too will help you in understanding your feelings.
I was to be an incredibly sensitive child. I had a bleeding heart for nearly everything and everyone. I didn't meet a person who didn't get the benefit of the doubt, who wasn't worthy of total forgiveness, who wasn't someone I poured my heart out to, and who I wouldn't offer comfort and caring whether they asked for it or not. When met with those who didn't like me, or were angry with me, I was often confused because I didn't want anything but the best for them. I told people often that I loved them and did my best to show it. I would get overwhelmed at times, and even in my prayers as a child in the fact that I couldn't help everyone at the same time, that ultimately helping one person meant leaving another person on the wayside for a time. My prayers themselves were long because I felt the need to fit everyone in - as if their very welfare depended on my adding their names to my young prayers (I didn't grow up Mormon BTW).
I often watched television as a child, movies and kid's shows that often displayed good morals and positive human attributes. Often the attributes showed that most represented me, and those I most modeled were those portrayed by female characters. Specifically self- sacrificial female characters that seemed to find their greatest joy and purpose in giving of themselves wholly to the service of others. I felt these characters were the ultimate role model and most akin to my own heart. I wonder if this isn't where my female associations began - from a very early age. Associations referring to the fact that I took a trait that was my own, something essential to my character and then associated it to a feminine stereotype, rather than accepting it as gender neutral.
As I grew older, telling my male friends, or new males I met that I loved them, offering things like hugs, and reaffirming physical gestures were often met with terrible disdain. I lost so many male friends back then - people whom I cared so much about and wanted to see happy, but who I drove away by my outward gestures of caring. I was called names, told I was gay, and ultimately treated with contempt. The girls though were not nearly as offended by my actions, though some still thought I didn't act enough like a 'boy'. These consistent rejections coupled with my associations that such actions were appropriate for females, but not for males, I think is where my GID began - truly began. I felt that in order to interact appropriately with others according to my sex, I needed to act different than I was - so I became a chameleon and I lost myself in pretending to be like others.
I cannot erase the effects of the chameleon - it has become so ingrained upon my psyche - with exception of one condition. When I transitioned I dropped all pretense of my chameleon self, all traits of the "Actor" as I called him, and became the same person I was as a child, only this time was far more accepted for my outwardly caring behavior. In fact, when I transitioned, I was often told by friends that I cared so much about others that it seemed like it might be a farse - until they really got to know me and realized how real it was. I was asked in all seriousness by a co worker of mine who I comforted after he had a tough time at work one day, if I were really an angel - like a real angel. I laughed and told him no, but he told me that he would have believed me if I told him I was. I don't tell you these things to extol my virtues but to demonstrate as accurately as I can how I tend to behave when uninhibited.
I think I transitioned mostly so that I could become this person again outwardly, someone who I had long buried due to the pains and rejections felt being that person. Transition represented a chance to be an uninhibited me who wouldn't be met with comments that I wasn't acting appropriate to my sex. I realize how sexist this all sounds. Girls are not inherently the way I'm describing myself no more than boys are - it is just in our culture, it is far more acceptable to have a girl act this way than a boy.
When I transitioned back, I went back into hiding. I mean, I let a little bit of myself show through now and then, in times when those closest to me were in deep distress - so I developed close friendships as people came to know that I had their best interests at heart. However, I still felt like the vast majority of the time, and I still feel like this today, that the part of me I keep so sacred, the part of me that represents my true nature, I must kept hid from the world so long as I remain in my male form on this earth.
So, when my GID strikes, it strikes in such a way that: perhaps it is not so much I need to be seen as a girl (though that is how it feels), though that is a strong association I have with it, but it is that I want to be myself, the real ME, the one who is so buried. But I have so strongly associated this notion of myself and my true nature with female that the two feel inseparable now, and it is almost impossible for me to act on my nature while others perceive me as a male - some sort of mental block.
When I feel those terrible feelings of longing to be female that often accompany GID, it is always coupled with times when I wanted to be myself, but felt restrained. As such, I've discovered another one of my triggers.
So what does all this mean? Am I not REALLY a transsexual, but someone who is having a terrible identity crisis? Or does this cultural component play a part in everyone's GID?
Regardless of the what it means, it is real, and I deal with it today. Coming to this realization has been tremendous, and I feel a bit of relief, like... my inner self might soon be able to have full expression even while in my male body. Perhaps I can break those associations, and become an example of a male who epitomizes what are traditionally considered "female" qualities.
My friends have a nickname for me. Everyone here has heard of the Alpha Male? They call me the Omega Male.
Perhaps I can define what it means to be an Omega male and pave a path of acceptance for others like me.
I would ask that you do not judge me too harshly for the things which I discovered about myself - aspects of them are shameful to me enough as it is. I share my discoveries with you all in hopes you can relate and perhaps this too will help you in understanding your feelings.
I was to be an incredibly sensitive child. I had a bleeding heart for nearly everything and everyone. I didn't meet a person who didn't get the benefit of the doubt, who wasn't worthy of total forgiveness, who wasn't someone I poured my heart out to, and who I wouldn't offer comfort and caring whether they asked for it or not. When met with those who didn't like me, or were angry with me, I was often confused because I didn't want anything but the best for them. I told people often that I loved them and did my best to show it. I would get overwhelmed at times, and even in my prayers as a child in the fact that I couldn't help everyone at the same time, that ultimately helping one person meant leaving another person on the wayside for a time. My prayers themselves were long because I felt the need to fit everyone in - as if their very welfare depended on my adding their names to my young prayers (I didn't grow up Mormon BTW).
I often watched television as a child, movies and kid's shows that often displayed good morals and positive human attributes. Often the attributes showed that most represented me, and those I most modeled were those portrayed by female characters. Specifically self- sacrificial female characters that seemed to find their greatest joy and purpose in giving of themselves wholly to the service of others. I felt these characters were the ultimate role model and most akin to my own heart. I wonder if this isn't where my female associations began - from a very early age. Associations referring to the fact that I took a trait that was my own, something essential to my character and then associated it to a feminine stereotype, rather than accepting it as gender neutral.
As I grew older, telling my male friends, or new males I met that I loved them, offering things like hugs, and reaffirming physical gestures were often met with terrible disdain. I lost so many male friends back then - people whom I cared so much about and wanted to see happy, but who I drove away by my outward gestures of caring. I was called names, told I was gay, and ultimately treated with contempt. The girls though were not nearly as offended by my actions, though some still thought I didn't act enough like a 'boy'. These consistent rejections coupled with my associations that such actions were appropriate for females, but not for males, I think is where my GID began - truly began. I felt that in order to interact appropriately with others according to my sex, I needed to act different than I was - so I became a chameleon and I lost myself in pretending to be like others.
I cannot erase the effects of the chameleon - it has become so ingrained upon my psyche - with exception of one condition. When I transitioned I dropped all pretense of my chameleon self, all traits of the "Actor" as I called him, and became the same person I was as a child, only this time was far more accepted for my outwardly caring behavior. In fact, when I transitioned, I was often told by friends that I cared so much about others that it seemed like it might be a farse - until they really got to know me and realized how real it was. I was asked in all seriousness by a co worker of mine who I comforted after he had a tough time at work one day, if I were really an angel - like a real angel. I laughed and told him no, but he told me that he would have believed me if I told him I was. I don't tell you these things to extol my virtues but to demonstrate as accurately as I can how I tend to behave when uninhibited.
I think I transitioned mostly so that I could become this person again outwardly, someone who I had long buried due to the pains and rejections felt being that person. Transition represented a chance to be an uninhibited me who wouldn't be met with comments that I wasn't acting appropriate to my sex. I realize how sexist this all sounds. Girls are not inherently the way I'm describing myself no more than boys are - it is just in our culture, it is far more acceptable to have a girl act this way than a boy.
When I transitioned back, I went back into hiding. I mean, I let a little bit of myself show through now and then, in times when those closest to me were in deep distress - so I developed close friendships as people came to know that I had their best interests at heart. However, I still felt like the vast majority of the time, and I still feel like this today, that the part of me I keep so sacred, the part of me that represents my true nature, I must kept hid from the world so long as I remain in my male form on this earth.
So, when my GID strikes, it strikes in such a way that: perhaps it is not so much I need to be seen as a girl (though that is how it feels), though that is a strong association I have with it, but it is that I want to be myself, the real ME, the one who is so buried. But I have so strongly associated this notion of myself and my true nature with female that the two feel inseparable now, and it is almost impossible for me to act on my nature while others perceive me as a male - some sort of mental block.
When I feel those terrible feelings of longing to be female that often accompany GID, it is always coupled with times when I wanted to be myself, but felt restrained. As such, I've discovered another one of my triggers.
So what does all this mean? Am I not REALLY a transsexual, but someone who is having a terrible identity crisis? Or does this cultural component play a part in everyone's GID?
Regardless of the what it means, it is real, and I deal with it today. Coming to this realization has been tremendous, and I feel a bit of relief, like... my inner self might soon be able to have full expression even while in my male body. Perhaps I can break those associations, and become an example of a male who epitomizes what are traditionally considered "female" qualities.
My friends have a nickname for me. Everyone here has heard of the Alpha Male? They call me the Omega Male.
Perhaps I can define what it means to be an Omega male and pave a path of acceptance for others like me.
Sunday, April 5, 2009
What Gay Marriage is Really About
In the ongoing debate concerning gay marriage I repeatedly see two different arguments made by those on each side of the issue. However, despite these primary arguments, the issue is really about something deeper.
Anti-Gay Marriage - Its About Protecting the Definition of Marriage
The primary argument used by those who are against gay marriage is that that allowing gay marriage will redefine marriage. What does redefining marriage mean? According to this argument, marriage is a word that by definition includes only a union between a man and woman. By making this claim they posit that for marriage to be open to allowing same sex couples, then marriage's basic definition will be changed.
The argument against this proposes that marriage is only defined as a union between a man and a woman because that is the traditional definition but is by no means complete. Allowing gay marriage would not change the definition but rather expand its definition to include same sex marriages. This idea is evident in Webster's Dictionary which now contains a definition of marriage for both opposite and same sex couples.
Pro-Gay Marriage - Its About Civil Rights
The primary argument used by those who are for gay marriage revolves around civil rights. The argument is that by not allowing gays the right to marry they are denied various civil rights. Those for gay marriage repeatedly say same sex couples are being denied the right to marry and that by not being allowed to marry, the state or nation where they live will not afford them specific rights given to married individuals.
The argument against this is two fold. Firstly by the traditional definition of marriage, all gays have the right to marry – someone of the opposite sex – and thus are not denied any civil rights. This of course uses the traditional definition of marriage and is not how same-sex couples intend their explanation of their loss of their marriage right – they believe they do not have the right to be married to the person they love regardless of their sex.
Concerning the loss of state and national rights, those against gay marriage explain that a civil union has all the same rights afforded to it as a marriage (at least in California) and so there is no loss in civil rights between the two definitions.
Its Really About Validation
These two arguments are just surface issues though. Sure there is some weight given to those who are against marriage's redefinition just as there is weight to those who claim their civil rights are being denied, but that is not the real issue. The real issue is validation of lifestyle.
If gay marriage is allowed it validates the gay lifestyle in ways that civil unions do not. Marriage is the traditional form of union and that which is most widely understood and accepted. Having a union that is not defined as a marriage diminishes its value (regardless if there is any real difference in practice at all). Gays have been seeking validation for their lifestyle for decades (if not longer) and having their unions solidified by the traditional word, marriage, would represent a new shift in wide scale acceptance of gay lifestyles.
Those who are against gay marriage are against it for the same reason – validation. Most against gay marriage believe it to be fundamentally inappropriate (some say sinful) and not desirous for the population. They have various reasons as to why this is, but in the end, allowing gay marriage would further validate gay lifestyles and legitimize it for this and future generations (promoting more same-sex experimentation and general acceptance among the youth). For those who see this as an issue of moral impurity, validating the gay lifestyle is like endorsing the destruction of society – not an easy thing to ask of anyone who feels strongly about it.
There are idiots on both sides of this discussion, and so we need not judge the validity of the others' arguments by the extremists – there are bigots on both sides. But as long as we continue to focus on the more surface issues of marriage redefinition and civil rights, this debate will go on and on with neither side making progress. When we are honest with ourselves however concerning the true issue, it will allow us to move closer to understanding of both sides. Considering the extreme polarizing moral effects of this decision however, we can only assume things will get worse before they get better.
My Mission Statement
There have been many who have attempted to help me see the light, see that I'll never make it as a male, that ultimately I'll lose to this and either give up my life, or transition anyhow. I've heard it over and over again and there is no way I can prove to anyone I will make it until I am dead. That won't stop me from trying. I'm doing my best to provide an example so people who deal with GID won't feel the hopelessness fostered by attitudes like those who tell me I cannot make it. I want to show that for some, transition isn't the only option, but that is gonna take, research, work, and a ton of trial and error. People can support me in my quest or get out of the way. I hope to find others who are undertaking the same path - that we might be able to support each other and learn how to deal with this together.
I hope to find others who are undertaking the same path - that we might be able to support each other and learn how to deal with this together.
Coping Techniques to Date (4/5/09)
I have been experimenting with coping techniques for 7 years now. If I find one that works, I implement it and use it in my daily life, if it doesn't work, I toss it out. What I have found, is that the coping techniques often work like prescription medication. Too much and it can have an adverse affect.
1) I have found out what specific triggers there are for my GID, and using learning-behavior techniques, have taught myself to no longer associate those stimuli with GID thoughts, but with more neutral ones.
2) I have done my best to focus on the things in my life that I have, rather than the things in my life I don't have.
3) I have learned that depression and other negative mental states provoke my GID and the GID persists long after the depressive stimulus is removed. Thus, I do my best to control and prevent depression and drama in my life.
4) I have learned never, never, never to pretend my GID doesn't exist. Doing so, even in periods where it is not bothering me as much, always stimulates the return of symptoms and they are normally far worse.
5) This goes along with #4, but I don't try to be anything I'm not. I stopped playing "roles" for other people. The roles invariably caused me difficulty as I often tried to appear as "masculine" as I could muster.
6) I am open with others about my condition. Being open with others allows for greater authenticity in the relationship and less tendency to want to meet their expectations of me as a male.
7) I have several very close friends (including my wife) with whom I can speak to at any time when I start to feel the symptoms come on. They all know me and my struggles and are there when needed - fortunately I'm relying on them less and less.
8) I think of all that I'd lose if I were to transition again and the pain it would bring about.
9) I present myself more androgynously in that I don't try to dress stereotypically for my sex - this prevents me from going into a role that is not conducive with my inner self.
I am experimenting with more techniques right now. I will tell you if they work and add them to my growing list. Others that are dealing with this the same way I am have learned some of their own coping techniques but I have not listed the ones that don't also work for me. For some that is part-time living, or dressing up and going out occasionally.
1) I have found out what specific triggers there are for my GID, and using learning-behavior techniques, have taught myself to no longer associate those stimuli with GID thoughts, but with more neutral ones.
2) I have done my best to focus on the things in my life that I have, rather than the things in my life I don't have.
3) I have learned that depression and other negative mental states provoke my GID and the GID persists long after the depressive stimulus is removed. Thus, I do my best to control and prevent depression and drama in my life.
4) I have learned never, never, never to pretend my GID doesn't exist. Doing so, even in periods where it is not bothering me as much, always stimulates the return of symptoms and they are normally far worse.
5) This goes along with #4, but I don't try to be anything I'm not. I stopped playing "roles" for other people. The roles invariably caused me difficulty as I often tried to appear as "masculine" as I could muster.
6) I am open with others about my condition. Being open with others allows for greater authenticity in the relationship and less tendency to want to meet their expectations of me as a male.
7) I have several very close friends (including my wife) with whom I can speak to at any time when I start to feel the symptoms come on. They all know me and my struggles and are there when needed - fortunately I'm relying on them less and less.
8) I think of all that I'd lose if I were to transition again and the pain it would bring about.
9) I present myself more androgynously in that I don't try to dress stereotypically for my sex - this prevents me from going into a role that is not conducive with my inner self.
I am experimenting with more techniques right now. I will tell you if they work and add them to my growing list.
Others that are dealing with this the same way I am have learned some of their own coping techniques but I have not listed the ones that don't also work for me. For some that is part-time living, or dressing up and going out occasionally.
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