I did it! A New Start

The following is a post to a forum on 2-2-09:

For those who have been following my story, I have tremendous news, and I have to thank the many members who have been so helpful to me here on this forum for helping me along this road.

When I came to this forum, I was struggling very much with my gender identity disorder. Even though I had made the decision to live again as my birth gender to live consistently with my religious beliefs, it was getting really hard to continue to do it. I had lived the past six years without much regard to my gender inconsistency allowing those who loved me to believe that it was all in the past - a big phase - and I didn't really introduce it to new people afterwards. I thought this was the right way to handle it, it seemed comfortable to do so, but ultimately it was killing me inside.

I felt like I was being insincere with people; I was cutting out of my life a huge part of what made me who I am - a part that was such a large part of my testimony of this Gospel. I also was pretending to be something I wasn't, a person with no gender identity issues.

So by the time I came here, I needed help, support, friends, and I needed to feel genuine. I was at that time scouring the internet for transgendered people like myself who decided not to transition and more specifically find ones who were also LDS.

My search ended in failure after failure continually running into people who hated and despised the church, who chose to live their lives out of harmony with the Gospel and take it upon themselves to tell me that I was the deluded one. To tell you the truth, I started to believe them I was getting so downhearted. My gender dysphoria was growing, but there didn't seem to be anywhere to go to find help on living with it without transitioning to the other sex.

Then my mother died. She died 10 days ago on a Friday morning. It was very unexpected and she was only 58 years old. My mother was a great friend and was always a champion for me during my gender struggles. Now she was gone. However in her death a new spark was lit within me. I saw a new path previously hidden: a new opportunity. If I couldn't find someone who was able to make it, to live successfully as their birth gender despite this horrid dysphoria, then I was going to pave that road myself for others. I was going to find a way to do it, make all the mistakes so that others who would follow after me wouldn't have to. Essentially, I would write the book on combating and living a healthy and successful life with gender identity disorder.

To do this will require experimentation and a series of coping "tests". If the "test" works, I will adopt it into my regime, if not, then I will abandon it for another coping technique until I find enough that work.

I made two decisions to aid in my coping. Two "tests". First, I am going to stop hiding it all like it was some dirty secret. I intend to stop stifling my desire to say the things I wanted to say just because they didn't fit into my birth gender stereotype. I intend share my past with others as it is appropriate to do so.

Secondly, I intend to make changes to the way I look and act. For a while I have tried to live as my birth gender according to my own stereotypes about it even if I hated the way I looked. Now this doesn't mean I'm going to dress like the other sex, but rather that I intend to widen my scope a bit more and be less rigid. I'm going to get my hair cut short again the way I like it and find some clothes that I feel better represent me. Concerning the changes to the way I act, I just will try not to pressure myself to conform to gender norms. Sometimes that may end with my acting a little "out of character" for some people but in line with how I feel.

In the end, you might not agree with my decisions I mention above, but know this: I'm walking into uncharted territory, and everything I am doing I am doing to ultimately STAY a member of the church I love and not be driven insane by my dysphoria.

So today when I went to church, I had the opportunity to talk to a few of the members and, strangely enough, without my prompting, the conversation went in the direction of gender differences in the church. I shared a small bit of my experience with those present as it related to the conversation. They were shocked but not offended - in fact it might have even endeared them too me somewhat. Upon them questioning me further, they asked if there was anything they could do to help me. I smiled and realized the answer. "Please, all I need you to do, is just know. Just by knowing that you know what I struggle with, makes it so much easier to bear." With loving approval those who were with me nodded almost with one accord. I felt SO GOOD! I felt like flying I was so happy! I had been able to show myself, be real, be authentic! What made it even better was that they were accepting - something that is a very nice bonus!

I intend to continue to fight this fight and I'll keep you updated from time to time on my victories (or defeats), but without the strength of this community and the examples of its members, I do not think I would have reached the point to be able to do this right now.