Role Reversal

The following is a post to a forum on 2-23-09:

I had a very difficult Friday with my family. It was four weeks ago my mother passed away that day and both my father and sister were having great difficulties. I spoke with them both and walked them through all of the emotions from anger and frustration, to denial, to eventual grief and depression. All in all this took about three hours on the phone. They both consider me the "strong one."

When I got home that night, my wife was expecting me to be in a good mood, as that night I had planned to visit some friends I had not seen in a while, but instead I was pretty depressed because I had to cancel those plans in order to help my family and talking about my deceased mother for so long only made me sad.

I tell you what was going on that night to provide a backdrop for what happened. My wife let me talk to her about the night and how things went and listened to me vex myself over whether or not I was doing enough in my father and sister's lives. We then began to talk about our future together.

Up to this point the plan had been, generally, that I would finish my degree in May, land a big corporate job as I've had in the past, only higher paying due to my degree, we would finish paying the remainder of our debt while my wife worked. We would then have children and my wife would quit working to raise and teach them, take on the domestic duties of housework and cooking, and eventually start a home-based business she could eventually involve the kids in.

Sounds great huh? Only one problem - both of us hated it - secretly, until Friday night. We believed in everything we wanted to do, the good job, teaching the kids, the domestic duties, the home based business, all of it, however we were doing it according to cultural normative roles. Let me give you a quick picture of my wife and I.

Among our friends my wife is considered "the guy" and I'm considered "the girl" even among those who have no idea about my gender dysphoria (see my "about me" section on my profile for more information about this). When we get together I tend to take on the server role, preparing meals and cleaning up and sitting in the kitchen and talking to the other women. My wife on the other hand sits with all the guys and talks emphatically about whatever they are discussing.

My wife is dispassionate, she has difficulty showing emotions, introverted and finds her greatest joys in self-accomplishment and in gaining new knowledge. I am very feeling, empathetic, religious, extroverted and find my greatest joys in lifting up and supporting others in reaching their potentials. We are both intelligent, however I am more faith based and she reason based. She hates domestic duties while I revel in them. She and I want children, but for her she sees it as a way to pass on her genes having little overall control in how they turn out, while I see them as little people to be molded into righteous individuals. In fact my wife believes she will have a hard time getting attached to her children with her difficulties showing emotion and fears it will negatively affect them. My wife doesn't give hugs or the like, and has only told me "I love you" verbally twice in the 4 years we have been together as a couple. I accept this, because I know how she feels by how she acts with me.

I have worked in the corporate world in the past, and to be honest, I hated it. I mean I loved what I did and progressed up the ranks very quickly, but I found my emotions were constantly being assaulted. I had to make very difficult impersonal decisions regarding my employees, people I saw as REAL PEOPLE with REAL LIVES, and while it was easy for my male counterparts at the highest levels of the company, I really struggled with it. I cried with my employees when things got difficult and always sought for ways to bolster their self esteem. I also found being at the highest levels of my company and interacting with others of similar status with other companies just how much they care about themselves. The face they show to their fellow "elite" is so much different than that which they show to their employees and it sickened me. I can put on the face, and act the part, but it killed me. I am more of a self starter and want to do my own business where I am the boss, and if I had employees would treat them with an incredible degree of respect.

My wife on the other hand has been working for the past three years at odd jobs. Since she is not a socialite and waaaaay too intelligent for her own good, she often has difficulty being tactful and likable. This has resulted in bad interviews and reduced ability to get hired. She hates working with people and would enjoy a whole day if no one interacted with her. When she gets home she immediately immerses herself in study, whether it be a forum regarding new geological discoveries, investigating animal species, watching a documentary about just about anything and pointing out the misinformation in it, or reading a book about hox genes in flies and evolution by mutation. This is her real passion and she desperately desires to go back to school again to obtain her masters and eventual doctorate.

Well, in talking on Friday night we realized that our plan, sound as it was, actually played on the weaknesses of the other. I really didn't want to go back to that corporate world, at least not for an extended period of time, and she really didn't want to be responsible for the domestic duties or the children. In being honest with one another we realized that what we really desired was the opposite person's role. I wanted to keep the house clean, cook every night, serve my family, nurture, raise and teach my children from infancy, have a self-started home based business and support my spouse in whatever she decided to do to make her mark on the world. My wife wanted to go back to school, get her masters and then work on her doctorate. During this time she wanted to look for internships and other opportunities to pursue a career in paleontology or geological surveying and research.

After this huge reveal, I looked at her and said, "Why not? Who is forcing us to do what we don't want to do but us?" She agreed and we have since decided that, even though it will be a change from societal norms and even our own initial expectations, we will reverse roles.

I - AM - SO - EXCITED!!!!!!!!!!!

I couldn't have married a better person for me!!! I love her so very much!!! I want so much for her to succeed, for her to achieve her dreams and not be burdened by societal expectations! I want to lift her up and see her reach the stars! I myself cannot wait to take on the responsibilities I expected I would take when I transitioned, and take on a role that is so much more in keeping with who I am inside and not who I am expected to be! I will get to raise and teach my children, be their loving emotional nurturing parent, and sow seeds of great respect for their hard working mother, who, while she doesn't show her emotions often, loves them very much. She looks forward to being able to teach her children about her work, and engage them in her intellectual interests while not being expected to fulfill the role of the emotional nurturing mother.

We also realized the further implications of this all. My wife knows "The Actor," (the male facade I created in my youth to look and appear to follow cultural norms for my sex). She has seen him and knows he comes out as a way to protect myself. I had to wear him every day at my job, and she knew how much it pained me to do it. If we do this role reversal, I can truly throw him in the trash! Who needs him? I'm already going against every single societal expectation for me and as such, I don't need to look like the kind of person who would abhor the role I've taken - it would be too inconsistent. This also means the potential weakening of the symptoms of my GID (gender identity disorder). I will be the "mother" to my children and more in line with my heart and desires, while supporting my "husband" as she works hard in the world.

One more thing. My wife and I have never been much for tradition. So much has this been the case that my wife didn't really want to change her last name to mine, and I didn't feel much need for her to do so. However I did feel it important we have the same last name. I suggested changing mine to hers, something she readily accepted but something my family was very against. Because of this, she has maintained her maiden name and I my name. Things are changing though. For one thing, the children we will have will not be mine biologically - I cannot have children and she plans to have children through artificial means meaning they will be biologically related to her. I have no particular tie to my name - heck I've already changed it once - first and last. Therefore I've decided finally that I will change my last name to match hers and carry on her line. I know this is not traditional, but she feels strongly about keeping her name, and I feel strongly that we should all have the same last name, so doing this we meet both of our goals. I am truly happy that I can honor her in her desires this way and she is very happy that her family will be in her name.

This is truly momentous for us and such an exciting time! I'm so glad to have the wife I have and for our joint desires as non-traditional as they are. I cannot wait to be done with school to get our lives moving forward and get her back into school.

Thanks for listening!