Lies

The following is a post written to a forum on 1-16-09:

I need some advice, but you need some background before giving it.

This post will assume you already know my specific struggle (if you don't, you can see it on my profile).

When I am at church I often feel very alone. I feel like I need to meet the expectations of those around me. Nothing new to anyone here I am sure. I feel like if I were to speak plainly about my interests or how I feel about things, that I would make the other members uncomfortable, so I do my best to "appear" like someone who is comfortable in their gender role (even if I'm not).

Now I've committed to living the Gospel and believe the church is true, but I feel that there is this very important part of my life and history that is not bad, but that I must suppress. As such, I feel like I deceive people all the time, like I'm being fake or inauthentic. I might have specific insights that I'd like to share, but for fear that it would come across as odd from me, I sometimes say I "heard" it from someone else who fits a more gender appropriate role.

I also have another group of friends, online and otherwise, with whom I do not have to put up any walls. They know who I am, they interact with me as I wish to be, and don't think me strange or weird. When I am accepted for myself I feel so incredibly happy - like a great weight is lifted off my shoulders, and everyone I interact with afterwards can tell it (even if they don't know why I'm so elated).

The downside is, the people who treat me so well tend to be people who are transitioning to becoming the other sex as I used to be. This of course tempts me, so I cut off communication with them for a while, only to find myself feeling very alone again.

I wonder if my church friends and others like them knew the truth, knew how I felt, my heart, and true interests, if I wouldn't necessarily NEED to communicate with others who draw me back to darker paths. I could be accepted as a LDS member who has a specific condition that makes me the way I am but who is desperately trying to live the Gospel as the appropriate sex even though it is difficult.

Of course telling others might really have some drawbacks, perhaps people would think I was confessing. I don't feel that I am, because I haven't done anything wrong, I'm quite temple worthy, I just want people to understand where I come from and allow me to be myself around them. Another drawback is that I might make people really uncomfortable - something I definitely don't want. Another drawback is that I might have happen to me what happened in the past and have people actually turn on me and use the knowledge about me against me.

If I had my way, (my selfish way I feel) I wouldn't care what others thought, I'd just be myself, say what I would normally say, share myself and interests without reservation, but know that I am doing my best to continue to live the Gospel regardless of personal struggle. I don't know if this is the best way to be, it might be off-putting. I hear the thing that straight people find the most offensive is when gays, etc. are "in their face" about it. I certainly don't want to be that and don't feel I really ever have been. I always try to be considerate of those around me - perhaps to my detriment.

In the end, I need a way to feel less alone, less deceitful, more open and honest, more myself and to do so with people who will actually ENCOURAGE me to continue on my quest to keep the commandments rather than interacting with those who would tempt me away from those covenants.